I Fell Out Of Love…
and it probably saved my life.
Every one of us dreams of a fulfilling relationship. Well, most are, at least. After being alone for the better part of seven years, when you finally meet someone unexpectedly there’s nothing much left to do than to fall. And to fall hard.
I met her at a party, where I wasn’t even supposed to be. We somehow hit it off, and there was one thing I realized right away: that woman is smart.
As an intelligent man, I struggle to find people that are on my level. Not to state this from a point of arrogance, but it just feels kinda lonely to rarely meet someone who can keep up with my train of thought, especially considering the topics I thrive in. Philosophy, politics, and Economics. When I dive deep I’m the equivalent of my genius best friend on an LSD trip, literally.
And here she was, a unicorn. The most intelligent woman I’ve ever met. Even more, somehow in all the right areas just like me but different enough in all the right areas that I fell for the idea of the perfect fit. The term soulmate got thrown around quite early as well.
Everything within our communications led me to believe she feels the same. Even her attempts to push me away, her saying she’s gonna find me a girl made perfect sense, considering her having deeply rooted commitment issues, actually commitment anxiety fits better.
As someone who toyed with the concept of polygamy perhaps that puts it into perspective: I thought she would be enough. I didn’t think about marrying her, but I wasn’t scared away about her probably ending up being my wife, which was a strange new concept for me. I’m not a fan of marriage.
So I went to visit her. The weekend was strange. She seemed more distant, but that was to be expected anyhow. Yet, somehow I found myself in a situation where I traveled 500 km to a woman whom I would end up watching her making her best friend's Christmas gift. Not the turnout I envisioned, obviously.
So, somehow I ended up steering the conversation exactly to that topic. “Is there any chance for something between us to happen?” (paraphrasing here my dear 5 readers a month). And shit started to hit the fan.
We didn’t fight, but we talked. Everything I interpreted as clear interest from her (and we can discuss any way we want, the “symptoms” she described to me how she felt like being on drugs since we met and stuff) was her routine with her male best friends. Everything I did was typical for her to receive from her male best friends and she was as shellshocked, that I had caught feelings just as I was shellshocked, that I could have misread the situation to such a degree.
To make a long story short: that was when I snapped out of it! I was absolutely in love for the better part of over a month, thinking I finally met my significant other, my other half. And here I sat within the confines of a conversation in which I could have totally lost it (which she feared I would btw) and I just stopped. I got over it in an instant!
I tell you why that was miraculous to me. The last time I felt anything comparable to what I felt for her it took me 13 years to get over. 13. fucking. years! I got over it with her help, which makes it especially ironic.
Yet, here I was, falling out of love like I reached the end of a cloud and just fell through it into clear air again. I could see the ground again. I think I just realized what they mean by being on cloud 7, by the way.
The last time I felt something as deep it drove me literally insane. It made me drive myself insane because my whole worldview collapsed and I was left in a severe mental and spiritual crisis. Not this time, though.
I think getting over her the minute we reached the portion of our discussion where I realized, that we would never end up being a thing, I think that was the most rational, the manliest I’ve ever been. Being able to go through the motion and making a clear case, that whatever it was was over and if we would end up staying in contact it would never be in a serious relationship. I’m grateful to have been able to realize that, because I’m honestly not sure if I would have survived another 13 years of being brokenhearted, crying about a life I can never have with a person that wasn’t either feeling the way I did, or wasn’t ready to admit that they did or whatever the reasoning was behind it.
We don’t write to each other anymore. I’m grateful, that I met her. The 2 months we ended up having extensive contact were transformational for me. I don’t know why, but during that time I was confronted with certain childhood traumas, which held me back my whole life. I realized who I want to be, and the kind of man I want to become. I realized that there were certain things in a woman that I want, she showed me what I want and need in a woman, even though I didn’t know that previously. She helped me better understand the differences between men and women, ironically, and helped me better understand why my relationships didn’t work out so far.
I wish her all the best. She was the most important person for 2 months of my life. She was the most important person for me to meet probably all my life because never have I met anyone that accelerated my rate of self-improvement to the degree she did. And I did the same in return, I can only hope that she benefitted from this unique situation as much as I did.
I will never forget her, if not for anything else, then for this. She made me realize, what kind of man I want to be, to understand who I need to be. I want to be the kind of man, whose name the children reply when they get asked who they look up to. That’s what I learned from her, and that’s something that I will be forever grateful for.
